Tightropes and Stilletos

Since I am single, I thought perhaps the Millionaire Matchmaker Patty Stanger (left) could offer some tips. Here are a few of her tips and a few from such excellent publications like Cosmo.  

What I have learned from reading Cosmo and the like and watching dating shows on TV or:

A Single Woman's Guide to Finding Mr. Right

Follow these directions:

Wear a really short skirt
(the tighter the better and no, you don't look like a hooker, really.)

photo from wickedtemptation.com

Be mysterious.
(Start a game of hide- and- seek and never tell him. If he knows to play,he's a keeper. )

image from: http://examiner.com

Get a manicure: preferably red 
(Claws= sexy duh!) 

image from http://longnailz.blogspot.com/2008/10/angelinas-sexy-long-nails.html

Wear the highest "f*#k  me" heels you can find

( If you can walk more than four feet, they're too low. )

image from http//shopzlot.biz/products/mudd-shoes-chunkie-black-heel

Do whatever is necessary to get long blond straight hair 

(Scientifically proven to be sexy ... unless there is humidity or your roots show.)

image from chttp://hairstylefashion.org/attractive-haircuts-and-long-hair-styles-for-women-2009-2010.html

Show off your sexy side.
(That butterfly tattoo on your hipbone you got when you were 19, show it off!)

image from http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-512321/So-long-thong-women-reject-chav-look-big-pants.html

Wear heavy cat eye makeup.

(Unless you look like a drunken raccoon, you've done it wrong.}

image from  http://www.eyeshadowlipstick.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/heavy-black-eyes-makeup.jpg

Order the lobster; it makes you seem exotic.
( Then only eat the salad.)

image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/phuson/2886049517/

 Get your lips done. 
( Lip gloss if  for sissies; go for the needle or go home!)

image from http://plastic-celebrity-surgery.blogspot.com/2010_04_01_archive.html

Always behave like a lady!
(When you twirling on the stripper pole, remember pinkies out.)



image from http://pictureofelegance.blogspot.com/2010/05/girl-in-white-gloves.htmlcaption



Go ahead; have a few drinks.

(Men admire a woman who holds her liquor like a linebacker and vomits like a lady.)

image from http://www.ehow.com/drink-shots/

   

Show just a bit of cleavage
(Show only two of the following: under, top, or side cleavage. Keep it classy.)

image from: http://www.imjustsharing.com/cleavage-yeah-im-going-there/

B

Wear one piece of bold jewelry
(Worn properly it will hypnotize him to do your every bidding.  )

image from http://sliceofboredom.blogspot.com/

Have red curly hair. Be a decent person, educated, have a a kind heart, a sense of humor,   cooking skills,  and be semi-excellent at Trivial Pursuit!

WRONG!

Redheads are unmatchable; add curly hair to that and you may as well be a nun according to Miss. S. We are also supposedly, "difficult."  Well what the HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?! HUH?!!  I am completely even-keeled at all times and a sheer joy to be around in any circumstance! A ginger hater; that's what she is. And my hair when straight looks goofy as heck.

Well damn it!  I guess that I am doomed to a life of singledom. Good thing I already have a cat; now all that's left is for me to start knitting ugly throw pillows and  scrapbooking relevant Cathy cartoons.

I could follow her advice and look and feel ridiculous doing so. Or, I could just work on being happy. Trends are fun, and other people's advice is interesting.  but self-respect is timeless.