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Male Substitution Chart

Have you ever been stuck in a situation and you did not know what to do? Did you think to yourself that it would have been easier with a man around? No need; now presenting the Male Substitution Chart. If you find yourself in one of these situations, just look to the right for a simple solution. If you can substitute sugar with honey in some recipes, why not substitute for a man in daily life?

Single Woman's Handy  Male Substitution Chart

    

Problem                                 Substitution

Scary Spider                                                      Bug stick    

in the bathtub    

Cold winter nights                                              Electric blanket          
                                                

Choking on peanut butter                                   Hemlich yourself 

when alone                                                        on the back of a 

                                                                         chair.
             

Jar lid is stuck                                                    Electric jar 

                                                                         opener

                                                                                                                     

Lack of male, "company"                                   Discrete battery  

                                                                         operated device.

                                                              
                                                                  

Horrible late night silence                                    Noise machine set to spring rain or ocean.  (note
                                                                          that the settings do not include: adenoids, choke-

                                                                          snore, or noisy nose whistling. )Be glad for that.

Someone to come home to                              1. Rarely go home 2. Buy a pet cat or dog  3. Create a       

                                                                       charming imaginary spouse who exists only between 6 and 

                                                                       6:01 PM on weeknights.

Can't reach the highest shelf                            Step stool and grabber device 

Flat tire or locked out                                     Membership to AAA and the number of 

                                                                      two 24-hr.   locksmiths

bug vacuum, doesn't harm bugs and you can put them outside.

Cost of these items: about $300
Cost of a messy breakup or divorce: Substantially more ... and then there's the money.




       

Coming Soon

The bestest, most completest beauty magazine ever with articles and features by excellent writers. Our tentative title: Vain or Insipididty, if you have a betrer idea, send it along. Content will be created by all 100% English teaching grad students. We may even get a man to write for us; fingers crossed.

Teaser for Disaster from a Distance Part II

When his wife started attending classes for her masters in nursing at a college 50 miles north, I knew that the relationship would either end or heat up fast. Theresa had changed from a dour woman aged beyond her years to a giggling schoolgirl who wore low cut blouses. While it was kind of fun to speculate about their possible relationship, when it came down to it, I knew that it could only end in heartbreak for everyone....

Stay tuned for the entire story coming next week

Coming soon

1. The prayer for single women
2. A Sort of Ghost Sotry
3.Disaster at a Distance Part the Third, My What Pretty Eyes You Have.
4. New Man Types
5. The Sign: (part one, The Bride- Not- to -Be)
7. New blog: The Muddelshore Gazette
Let me know if there is a story you'd like to see first by filling out my short poll.

Lame Dating Lies Conversion Chart in Printable Format!

fromihascanhotdog.com

Let's face it, it's not easy to own up to being imperfect to someone we have just met.This discomfort has spawned a coded language which, until now has not been broken.  I have decoded some of the lamest lies and hope they will assist you in spotting jackassery and doofusness many miles away.

handy translation/converting chart by katie margeson

On Second Thought

Many churches have excellent youth groups that volunteer for soup kitchens on days other than Thanksgiving or Christmas, and raise money for good causes. These are good people. However, the Protestant churches over the past twenty years or so have incorporated business speak and demographic research to fill  pews. This kind of thinking leads to church reader boards with mission statements. Even though the methods for reaching out to young people are often hokey or just embarrassingly awkward, many churches, temples, and I imagine mosques, have excellent youth groups. Stuck in a traffic jam today, I noticed a van parked outside a local church which, I assumed is used to transport their youth group members to volunteer and charitable work.The sign looked something like this:

flames,microsoft publisher

I did a double and triple take. It was a United Methodist church and I'm fairly certain that they are not a racist group.
I would have liked to have been at the meeting where the name and logo was decided upon. I bet it went something like this:

Play: The Big Decision by K Margeson

Scene I
A is a younger man with great enthusiasm and B is a middle aged man who is calm. A and B meet in a church basement. They are seated in molded plastic chairs. Secretary is a younger woman and is taking notes on a laptop computer.

(Secretary) Next item: youth group logos and titles. (she types as they speak)

(Middle Aged Man):We need something catchy.

(Man A) Yes, that shows our real passion for helping people and spreading the word. 

(Man B) Yes, flames maybe. We need to include the cross but in a modern way you know for the kids. Maybe hip hop or a cartoon bear?

(Man A) I've got it Crossfire.  But what should we do for a logo, a shooting target, a crossbow?

(Man B) No, those are controversial; we don't want people to think we're advocating violence. The logo will be a cross with flames around it! We'll put it on all of our vans, t-shirts and stationary!

Secretary: (Pauses and looks up) Uh, guys I don't think that is a good idea.

(Man A). :Just take the notes

(Man B). Yeah, let the creative minds do their work .Yeesh!

(Secretary): Fine, go with it. (smirks slightly and continues to type)

(Man B): This is great let's get the youth group to volunteer in the poor urban neighborhoods.

Scene.

Scene II

A and B with the kids in the back drive the newly decorated van down a city street. Offstage,  a barrage of rocks, bricks,rotten food, and jeers whistle past the van. A rotten egg explodes as a sulfurous scent seeps in though  onto the windshield.
B:Why do they hate us so much in this neighborhood?

A: I don't know. I just don't understand. (shakes head)

The End

I think that the ease with which we can create media sometimes keeps us from really thinking about what we write, for example, you will occasionally find typos in my blogs because in my haste, I do not spell check them. They look so pretty that I can't imagine they would have errors.Even someone with little artistic skill like myself can create a simple picture like the one above and as a result, everything begins to look polished and professional. Appearance wins out over quality of content. That concept applies to all kinds of situations really.

Moratorium

The Young Old Man

http://theplatypusgallery.deviantart.com/art/Werewolf-Old-Man-130220478

As I've eased into my mid thirties I mostly feel a little bit wiser, maybe a bit more cynical about some things, but otherwise not all that different from the way I felt ten years ago. I have met a slew of men over the past few years though, who are the opposite of the Adultolescent; they are old before their time. Now life has a way of battering us and bringing us to our knees and that leaves wear and tear; the young old man embraces being old.
I remember walking down the street with a guy I dated a while ago and though he was only a few years older than me a guy yelled from a balcony, "Hey, why are you with your dad?!" I thought about this comment and looked over at the guy. He was old.
A list to tell if your guy is a Young Old Man:
1. He discusses his fiber intake and bowel movements (exceptions, men who have really bad guts, but still not a great topic on a first date)
2. He embraces old timey music to the exclusion of any other types. This music can range from classical all the way through the 1950s.He calls anything else, "just noise."
3. He uses phrases that kindergarten teachers or angry parents use such as, "I thought I made it clear."
4. He is 39 and says he's almost 44 and enjoys it.
5. He carries a huge umbrella around ostensibly to use it as a weapon.
6. He genuinely believes the phrase, "kids these days are no damn good!" and repeats it frequently
7. He is a social Darwinist and believes in Horatio Alger style advancement by pulling oneself up by bootstraps. It doesn't matter if the person in question doesn't have boots, or straps, or hands or feet; they made choices didn't they?
8. Lack of  empathy.
9. Reveling in being set in his ways. Any disturbance of his carefully planned schedule is grounds for a breakup.
10. Behaving like a hypochondriac about every little thing. One sniffle could lead to death!
This type tricky because at first he may seem like a gentleman. He'll open doors for you, maybe do something sweet, and won't try to jump you on the first few dates. But he must be in bed by ten every night or his Metamucil won't work properly. Keep in mind that this man was born after 1965.
. Often this sub species also has a period hat he wears. The problem behind the gentleman exterior is that what really exists is an inflexible hermit. He may say he wants children or marriage but those things require allowing for the possibility that life may occasionally be out of his complete control. His dwelling is similar to the adultalesent, but perhaps the liquor is more expensive. The refrigerator is bare except for bacon, prunes, and iceberg lettuce. He may save string.
Typical Pick up Line:
"Here let me get that door for you."
Typical conversation: "I feel more connected to my grandparents anyway. I used to talk about constipation with my grandparents all the time."
Beware this type because they have all of the negative traits of a grumpy old man but none of the life experience, none of the wisdom or depth.

Me as a Pinup Model!

I thought it would be fun to get some good photos of myself because the only ones I have are either at family functions or my eyes are closed. Looking for shoes online,  I found out about this cool chick Bettina May who takes pinup photos and her sister Tiffany who helps with the styling.  The women in the group varied in age from 16 to 46 and everyone had a great time. You may notice my hair isn't as curly as usual and that you can see my eyelashes. False eyelashes, lots of eyeliner, and hot rollers. It's not really a feasible everyday look but it was fun for the photos. If you get a chance when she's in town, sign up for Bettina's class. Oh, and for the record, yes, I am fully and respectably clothed in all the photos and they are all rated G with some slightly PGish intent here and there.

sometimes you have to just laugh

close up

Katie the spy

Cute shoes no?

I had fun. Originally, I found a black and white halter dress, but the color of my camisole was prettier and my recent purchase of a denim pencil skirt actually was kind of cute. If you are interested, I think that Betina does lingerie shoots too. I am not that brave myself, but if you're a grownup and comfortable, go for it.

looong hair.

I suppose if I can't find a job teaching, I can have a career smirking in trench coats or leaning on stairways. That or I can become, as a date told me several months ago,  a very parenthetical comedian. I wonder what the 401 K, dental and medical comes with those careers?

Passion, Finance, and Dishes

(3 oz $94)

After filing out a contest entry for shoes,  a subscription of the fine literary institution and magazine of record known as Marie Claire showed up on my doorstep. I haven't indulged in magazine subscriptions for myself for a while, so I resigned myself to handing over the ten dollars. I started to read the silly columns about fashion with tips like wear shorts to work, and careers with ideas like, "put up an Ivy League banner in your cubicle."  The best and worst tip however was this one from the deep and thoughtful article, New Couples Rules,

"If dirty dishes cause tension, cut back spending each week so you can hire a cleaning service, then use the newfound time you have for something fun. "


Ok then! I'll just shuffle the funds from my chauffeur and chef to make room for the dish maid. The division of  housework can be a pain in the neck, but a glib suggestion like hiring a maid to do your dishes does not help anyone; not even the potential maid.  A bus pass would cost more than a person could make for twenty minutes of work. This ridiculous article sadly illustrates the incredible disconnect the wealthy have from, well, everyone else.  If you can afford a maid, you don't have to save up for one and visa versa. If you are going to save up for something, why not a house? Or, you could pay off the credit cards bill for the  $673 five inch pale pink suede heels or  $300 purple chiffon business shorts you bought at the behest of the, "deals and steals," column a few pages earlier. Consider a long-term investment in paper plates or this awesome new robot dishwasher! (click on the previous phrase to see the thing.)I'd rather have a robot than a maid anyway. It would be really awful to call your friends and say, "Come over and watch my new dishes maid." But to call them and say, "Hey come on over and watch my awesome dish robot," would be acceptable in almost any situation.

A great tip you can implement right now: buy a pair of rubber gloves, dish soap, and some sponges, turn on the water, and do the blasted dishes. One cooks, the other does dishes. If no one cooks, flip a coin for dish duty or have one wash one dry and put away. Think of doing dishes as  meditation time and a money saving venture too! Buy a  citrus-scented soap like Sud l'Orange created by marketing genius K Margeson.
top left. It's essential oils of blood oranges, sunflower, and grapefruit grown in organic greenhouses in Vermont will soon replace your in-home aromatherapy bills. Added bonus, it has flecks of real diamond dust for those tough burnt on foods and anti-bacterial silver too! Dishes never looked so glamorous!





credits
Article quote: Henderson, J.  (April 2011) The New Couple Rules Marie Claire Hearst Publishing,  New York.
Dishes Photo: http://cbsradiobaltimore.com/main_bn/eyeongreen/2010/08/04/use-your-dishwasher/ accessed online March 29, 2011
Sud l'orange:By  me with the help of Publisher

Revenge is a Dish Best Served... Murky

.  

Subsuburban Wildlife part II

So,I was up late on Saturday night and as I tried to get to bed I heard this weird yipping sound in the distance. Then the eerie howls started punctuated by excited yips. The howls and peals of glee at capturing some hapless animal and having a barbarian style feast seemed to creep closer. Now, I know that coyotes leave people alone for the most part, and as old cartoons will tell you are solitary creatures for the most part. I heard a group of at least five or six of them.  I remembered hearing about a "super pack" of over 400 wolves, . Could coyotes do the same thing? One or two isn't so bad but 400 of anything can be scary, even 400 hamsters would be unnerving.

Suburban coyotes usually look a bit like this

caninus coyotes

What I heard, I thought sounded more like this  x 400

 ...

Apparently in my mind, coyotes have become foodies. Tonight I'll listen for the frogs instead. As my dad says, "They eat bugs and sing you to sleep, what else could you want."

Pic credits
Wolf Pack: c http://www.feastoffun.com/topics/animals/2011/02/09/super-pack-of-400-wolves-on-the-loose-in-russia/
Coyote: http://www.informzoo.com/main/cat/17
http://www.frogsonice.com/froggy/silly-2.shtml 

Portlandia: Technology Loop

New Candy!

I went to Cost Plus the other day and bought a few cheap bracelets for fun. I like their exotic food section and I happened upon the best ginger candies I've ever had. They are called Ginger Chews by the Ginger People and are not too hot or too sweet.

http://www.ehow.co.uk/how_7500881_care-bonsai-ginger-plant.html

And,you can drop one in a cup of hot water and bingo, instant ginger tea. And, they work well to ease nausea a bit without burning your tongue off. Bonus!  I found a place on amazon.com that sells 24 packs. Whoohooo!

Great Blog by a classmate, please read

Crystallyn Galang and her funny stories about animals and more
http://thecrazycatladyandherbabies.blogspot.com/2011/03/kitty-crack.html

Verbal Gaffes 101

Yesterday I was on my way to class and as I drove down Broadway in Everett I noticed a new coffee stand. 

This is very similar to what the sign looked like:

It's name? Tsunami, complete with a tall wave painted on the sign.

I noted that it was closed. I think I know why. Maybe the creators genuinely don't understand that a tsunami is not just a gnarly wave to surf, I don't know. It was an ultimate case of  the collision of  bad timing and bad taste.

My favorite part, the jokerman font. I think it would interesting to maybe publish things like obituaries or other bad news in jokerman. It is so goofy that something like:

 I regret to inform you that you are being sued for $4 million.

or something more classic:

Your herpes test is positive

In the same vein: My sister took a class in  high school where the students were assigned to create an advertisement. As presentations usually proceed, students get bored. And though students had some pretty good ideas, the warmth of the room and my general lack of sleep contributed to heads nodding off and then jerking back awake in surprise. The last group was made up of two quiet guys who were in the skater crowd. They had dressed up for the presentation in shirts and ties, a big difference from their usual board shorts with a chain for the wallet and a t-shirt with a band logo. They were serious and they were prepared. Their commercial was of professional level; it had music, graphics,and a voice over, all in the age before photo shop and computer editing for the masses.Everyone was impressed and the room woke up. As the commercial ended, a graphic spun up to the screen and voice with a dramatic stage whisper said, "Genossssiiiide."
The graphic looked a little like this:

picture, me through publisher

The class clapped non-plused. My sister blinked a few times to make sure she had just seen and heard what she thought she had seen. She looked  over to the teacher, Mr. Saad, a millionaire at forty, he had taken up teaching and had a wickedly dry wit and was one of those people who spoke quickly because his brain worked even faster. It was clear that he wanted to laugh and like me, my sister finds it difficult not to laugh when something strikes her the right way.

The teacher, a true pro, didn't laugh and instead asked,"So guys, where did you come up with the name for this product.?"
One of the boys answered, "We flipped through the dictionary and I don't know, genocide just sounded cool."
"Did you look up the definition?"
"No, why?"
And as the teacher explained the boys began to understand the one flaw with their otherwise truly great assignment. To this day, my sister can make my chortle simply by saying in that same dramatic stage whisper, "genooociiide." It has earned us a few odd looks so we no longer use the joke in public. 
I only hope that when/if I get my own classroom that I can keep my cool as well as Mr. Saad. And I hope that I never make a gaffe like that in vocabulary use. Thank goodness for wiktionary.

Help Wanted, Apply Within

http://www.tirgari.com/cartoons.htm

I
I have a long commute with very little to look at except for strip malls and other cars. I turn to NPR for the news for about five minutes but cannot stand any longer because it makes me cry and showing up for class with puffy eyes would certainly reflect upon the "professionalism" section of my grade. I then turn to the local alternative station The End or the local non-profit independent station KEXP.  On the way home last night sandwiched between an advert for engagement rings and a song about love gone awry was this little gem:
"I save the world every day," says a Tom Cruise like voice. "And no one ever knows it."                “Inquire about covert services at the CIA. Live the news instead of watching it? Equal opportunity employer."
The last part was my favorite because I would guess that, for example a person in a wheelchair or who was even just shard of hearing or wore strong glasses would have some major problems in operations. I don't claim to know anything about the spy game, but I'd guess that most spies don't secretly listen to someone and when they can't hear them yell out, "Huh? Could you repeat that?" So I don't think that last line is quite honest.  Is anyone else concerned that the CIA is advertising for spies? You would think that there would be a glut of people applying but I am told by a friend of a friend from high school who works in communications (putting up dishes and etc.) in Australia and the southern Pacific that most of the work is fairly pedestrian. Still, even he has to keep his work quiet. I always thought that the main reason many people applied to the agency was to be a spy, but in truth, I'm told many people are information analysts, translators, and office workers. Movies about a heroic file clerk would be pretty lame though.  Anyone who has ever read an Ian Flemming’ s Bond books knows that being a spy is soul-deadening, very important, and horrible work. Unlike in the Bond movies, the books usually end with our hero in a hospital recovering from multiple serious injuries, or a mental ward when M shows up and tells him to start again. I guess a Bond with PTSD, a neck brace, and third degree burns wouldn’t look as good in a tux. So for those of you looking for a job, the CIA is looking for spies, apply now, live in secret.... forever!