Quote of the Day, Love: Oscar Wilde

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

Go ahead and search it up

Saturday, May 14, 2011

The Dating Pool Needs Draining


The fine men of internet dating


Number one: A 37 year white guy who works as a software developer (red flag right there), who was a dead-ringer for  a surprised Moe Howard. His headline read, "No fat chicks allowed." 
And you say chivalry is dead. His profile read like a 6th grader who got hold of a thesaurus for the first time and was filled with 50 cent words. Intelligence is attractive; malpropisms and arrogance, not so much. The absolute seriousness of the thing made me laugh and kind of cry. Then he wrote me this deep  and meaningful message, "UR sexy. Call me." 
Oh, I almost forgot, he wrote that he's only looking for one-night stands. Ahem. Next.

 santa photo:http//: www.johnwise.com
 Number two: A heavy bearded white guy in a Santa outfit smoking a cigar. I suppose it is hipster thing. His profile mostly talked about his particular hairdo which looks like Wolverine from X-Men. The resemblance stops there. My favorite line in his message though, "I'm an amateur photographer of nudes and you have a nice shape. Here's my number." Well, of course I phoned him right away.  Nothing is more enticing than an amateur pervert photog. His line sounds like a come on from a serial killer.

Number three: A 53 year unemployed old black man with a 1983 Jerri Curl posed in his photo with his shirt off and apparently smothered in Vaseline. His note to me read, "Hey pretty sexy lady. It's not what you can do for me, it's what I can do for you. Wink. I give great massages and I'm the best lover you'll ever meet." He reminded me of the Ladies Man from SNL, only not so innocuous.  My reaction? BLOCK

Number four: A 42 year old white guy sitting on a motorcycle with a Kaiser Wilhelm spiked helmet. He wrote that he had his own church but it wasn't like other churches. His note read, "I see that u believe in God, y not come to my church and meet my female disciples. Sleeping with me is one of the requirements to join. The women seem to like it; just ask them. Wink." Though he looked fairly normal, I couldn't help but think he was like the photo on the left.
Unfortunately, his note was the start of a disturbing trend.


Number Five: 
A 39 year old heavy set white guy with a beard. In his photo, he was holding his young daughter. His status read, "available," which I now understand to be code.
His note read, "I like your profile and I'd be interested in meeting you. I'm married, but my wife and I are poly. I know I'm probably not at all what you're looking for, but you are what I'm looking for."
At least he was honest. Still, I have to wonder what I ever said or wrote that made him think I'd even think about the whole poly thing. To each their own etc. It's just not my thing. Besides, I'm not that good at math and charts.


Number 6: A 37 year old white guy. He took his own photo holding a cell phone in a mirror. His profile stated that he was a writer and poet. Here's the note he wrote me, "UR pretty."  Literature isn't dead then. Phew, thank goodness for that. My reaction, nothing. Just a sad sigh.

 And, last but not least?

Number 7: A 67, (yes you read that right), year old white guy from right here in Woodinville. Yikes, I hope I never run into him at the store! His profile discussed all of his metaphysical and physical interests. Mostly, it was about his journey to sexual discovery by becoming bi-sexual in his 50s but still mostly liking women and women who were bi-sexual. He too was in the poly community but not married. TMI! His note to me read, "Hi, I LOVE redheads! I am much younger than my age and I have practiced tantric sex for 15 years now. You look like you enjoy a good time. Are you still fertile?"   BLOCK.

 Here's a poster I found that sums up my feelings on the matter. Read the whole thing before you judge me as a prude





Anonymous said...

lol! Please tell me this is the fiction portion of the blog. Otherwise things are worse than I thought. Thank goodness I'm married. Don't give up yet Katie, we need to be entertained here! :)

Anonymous said...

another sad/funny gem. Keep 'em coming. and UR pretty (I had to say it. :) ). I want Disaster at a Distance part IV please.

Anonymous said...

oh no. that is horrible. (stifling giggles)