The Young Old Man

http://theplatypusgallery.deviantart.com/art/Werewolf-Old-Man-130220478

As I've eased into my mid thirties I mostly feel a little bit wiser, maybe a bit more cynical about some things, but otherwise not all that different from the way I felt ten years ago. I have met a slew of men over the past few years though, who are the opposite of the Adultolescent; they are old before their time. Now life has a way of battering us and bringing us to our knees and that leaves wear and tear; the young old man embraces being old.
I remember walking down the street with a guy I dated a while ago and though he was only a few years older than me a guy yelled from a balcony, "Hey, why are you with your dad?!" I thought about this comment and looked over at the guy. He was old.
A list to tell if your guy is a Young Old Man:
1. He discusses his fiber intake and bowel movements (exceptions, men who have really bad guts, but still not a great topic on a first date)
2. He embraces old timey music to the exclusion of any other types. This music can range from classical all the way through the 1950s.He calls anything else, "just noise."
3. He uses phrases that kindergarten teachers or angry parents use such as, "I thought I made it clear."
4. He is 39 and says he's almost 44 and enjoys it.
5. He carries a huge umbrella around ostensibly to use it as a weapon.
6. He genuinely believes the phrase, "kids these days are no damn good!" and repeats it frequently
7. He is a social Darwinist and believes in Horatio Alger style advancement by pulling oneself up by bootstraps. It doesn't matter if the person in question doesn't have boots, or straps, or hands or feet; they made choices didn't they?
8. Lack of  empathy.
9. Reveling in being set in his ways. Any disturbance of his carefully planned schedule is grounds for a breakup.
10. Behaving like a hypochondriac about every little thing. One sniffle could lead to death!
This type tricky because at first he may seem like a gentleman. He'll open doors for you, maybe do something sweet, and won't try to jump you on the first few dates. But he must be in bed by ten every night or his Metamucil won't work properly. Keep in mind that this man was born after 1965.
. Often this sub species also has a period hat he wears. The problem behind the gentleman exterior is that what really exists is an inflexible hermit. He may say he wants children or marriage but those things require allowing for the possibility that life may occasionally be out of his complete control. His dwelling is similar to the adultalesent, but perhaps the liquor is more expensive. The refrigerator is bare except for bacon, prunes, and iceberg lettuce. He may save string.
Typical Pick up Line:
"Here let me get that door for you."
Typical conversation: "I feel more connected to my grandparents anyway. I used to talk about constipation with my grandparents all the time."
Beware this type because they have all of the negative traits of a grumpy old man but none of the life experience, none of the wisdom or depth.