The Locust

Anyone who ever watched Little House on the Prairie knows that locusts come out every few years and leave only destruction in their path. There are a few ways to get rid of them including burning the crops, hoping a flock of birds will come and eat them, or having them hit another town. After the destruction, these insects go back to their hiding places and lay eggs so the whole thing can start again next year. No one knows where they will strike or exactly when.

So it was with Elliot. Of the class IT guy, order single, wearer of ripped t-shirts, genus: Computerland dropout, and species, locust. Locust in disguise.

Their first date was at a tea shop and the conversation was fun. He was nice enough looking and paid for the check and even walked me to my car. These two actions put him far above many of my dates. So when he asked me if I’d like to learn a quick dance step, I said sure. And we did a little Charleston on the sidewalk. The next date, they went to a play and dinner. Again, he was polite paid the bill and they seemed to hit it off. He noticed that her high heels were giving her some trouble and offered her his arm. He seemed even charming when he kissed her goodnight. After that, they were together most of the time and it was fun.

   About one month in, they went to a fancy show and he professed his great love for her. He had the future planned out, after the wedding, she would move in there and so on. She met his family at their vacation place east of the mountains and his niece and nephew were instructed to call her auntie. They went on a romantic trip to Victoria and I was planning on having a great time. When she woke up in the middle of the night to hear him calling out his ex girlfriend’s name and then crying about it, as he had done several times, even calling her by the  pretty doctor’s name, when he was awake ,her temper kicked in and she  packed and almost got out of the house before he stopped her. When they got back, things continued as they had and he brought up how excited he was to marry her and have children. When they went out to eat, he’d comment that it would be a good caterer for the wedding. He went so far as to even tell her parents that. By August he had promised that he would propose by the end of the year and wooed her with words of family and love. People who saw them together sighed and said they were a great couple. They had never seen him so happy and on her side they said that even though he was socially awkward he was good to her. Even her eagle-eyed parents and sister didn’t see it coming.

As soon as fall set in, he brutally dumped her saying only, “I don’t love you, I’m not attracted to you, and you just aren’t good enough I won’t settle.” Boom. She walked out after gathering a few things she kept there and as she approached her car she felt someone following her. It was Eliot and he said, “I’m sorry.”

“Bullshit!” she replied and peeled out. And truly, it was pure bullshit.

Some people are in love with the idea of love and anything like sickness, arguments, or any perceived imperfection is unacceptable to his ideas. 

Many people, men and women alike search online to see if they can find evidence as to why the ex did what he or she did and why. To assuage her utter confusion, she gave in and searched. She happened upon a chat room for the socially incurable and chronically undersexed, (otherwise known as IT guys). He wrote about every detail of their relationship except the parts where he professed his love and devotion, strangely that was kept out. He also embellished quite a bit to appear the sensitive and studly man. His buddies would cheer on every cruel action and every very intimate detail. He had painted himself as a player, the man that every woman wanted. He didn’t write that he cried all the time, or that the previous two candidates couldn't get far away from him fast enough.The best posting was when he complained about his life and how he had it sooo hard. Everyone over twelve years old has had something bad happen. It isn’t as though he was in a war zone, had lost his family, been seriously injured or sick. but he seemed to enjoy playing the victim. She was surprised at the initial misogynist entry and they only got worse from there. She read back to the previous year and found the post where he talked about seeing a bus accident. This accident and his need for routine were the reasons he gave for all breakups. She read the postings back to the previous year and wondered what she could find out about the mysterious doctor; the one that got away. The year before, he had met the doc in the spring, had taken her to the exact same places in the exact same order.  Tea, dinner and a show, something fancy, meet the parents. He claimed to have ditched the doc before the Victoria section, but upon reading, it was doubtful that the doc would have stuck around much longer. The problem with being put on a high pedestal is that at some point you will have to move or fall.

This great love of his earned even less respect than the searcher had earned. The doc was too insulated and shy, the searcher was too talky and kind, the doctor was smart, and the searcher was a plebe who knew how to cook. He painted the doctor alternately as a thing made of angel kisses and wisdom while the searcher was pure sexual energy mixed with middle class values and a mediocre mind.  Other witty comments discussed how he never dated between October and late February. “Too many gifts required.‘  he explained.

After each relationship, he vowed not to get into the dating world again and two weeks later he announced that he put his profile on every internet dating site around. Looking back through the discussion boards, she soon realized that he had a pattern and he had no intention of fighting it. She wondered if he even knew what he was doing. For curiosity one day, she looked to see if her hypothesis was correct. It was. this year's choice is short, smart and likes to dance.

And so it begins again, a bit earlier than the previous years. Unless she is a horrible person, thought the woman, I hope she is more perceptive than the 2009 and 2010 versions of her were.  No one save the truly horrid deserves to be lead on and humiliated like that. Maybe she is truly horrible, but probably not. Perhaps people, men and women alike should have a kind of warning label. If they do the same awful things more than once, it will be listed just like the warnings on cigarette packs. “Warning, this man is a man-child, will promise you the world and then dump you because you are not perfect.  Studies have shown immense devastation to all things this man touches. Use wisely.”

His last posting read, “The biologist and I went out for tea, she’s smart and pretty. And then I taught her the Charleston on the sidewalk. Dinner and a show next week. Wish me luck!”
Typical Pick up Line: "I don't really know what I want, but I do know that I like computers. By the way, have you read (insert some obscure book title here.) Hey, would you like to go out for tea?"